Of Agony Aunts And Idiots
by Red Witch
Summary: Ray and Pam have a talk about how the Deadly Velvet incident affected them and everyone else at the Figgis Agency.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is in a coma. What did the rest of the Figgis Agency do after Deadly Velvet? How did they feel? Just a little character study here.**

 **Of Agony Aunts And Idiots **

Pam was alone in the Figgis Agency break room calmly drinking a forty-ounce malt liquor. She was trying to be oblivious to the insanity outside.

"SHUT UP CAROL! SHUT UP!" Mallory was heard shouting.

"I'M JUST SAYING IF YOU REALLY LOVED YOUR SON YOU WOULD VISIT HIM MORE!" Cheryl shouted. "HE COULD PROBABLY DIE IN HIS SLEEP ANY DAY NOW! WUSS!"

"AAAAHHHH!" Mallory wailed.

"JUST **IGNORE** HER!" Cyril was heard shouting. "AND CHERYL KNOCK IT OFF!"

"OH BY THE WAY CYRIL," Cheryl shouted back. "HOW MUCH BOOZE DO YOU WANT FOR THE PARTY YOU'RE THROWING WHEN ARCHER KICKS THE BUCKET?"

 **"WHAT?"** Mallory screeched.

"CHERYL YOU'RE A DAMN LIAR!" Cyril yelled.

"RIGHT! YOU'RE TOO CHEAP TO THROW A PARTY!" Cheryl laughed. "YOU REALLY ARE TURNING INTO MRS. ARCHER! A COLD LONELY LOVELESS…"

"THAT'S IT!" Mallory was heard screaming. "I'LL **KILL** YOU!"

"MS. ARCHER NO!" Cyril shouted. "LET ME **HELP** YOU!"

"Oh great," Pam sighed. "I came into work for **this**?"

Ray walked in with Lana. "Where have you two been?" Pam asked. "You're missing all the **fun**."

"Hospital," Lana sighed. "Ray drove me."

"Any change?" Pam asked before taking a drink.

"No," Lana sighed. "Still in a coma. No change."

"RAAARRRRRR!" Mallory was heard screaming.

"Are we out of vodka again?" Ray asked.

"No," Pam sighed. "That's **something else."**

SMASH!

"MISSED ME!" Cheryl taunted.

"I WON'T MISS WITH **THIS!"** Mallory shouted.

"MS. ARCHER NO!" Cyril screamed.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"MISSED AGAIN!" Cheryl cheered.

"Not **again!** " Lana groaned. "Mallory we can't afford to get bloodstains out of the carpet!" She stormed out to handle the situation. "And the medical bills are already going to be a bitch without you adding to them!"

"So how are things here?" Ray asked.

BANG!

"MISSED AGAIN!" Cheryl cheered.

"Pretty much the same," Pam shrugged as she put the cap back on the malt liquor drink.

BANG!

"I gathered," Ray quipped.

"OH WHY CAN'T I KILL HER?" Mallory was heard shouting. "MAYBE THE HOSPITAL HAS A TWO FOR ONE DEAL OR SOMETHING?"

"How's Lana holding up?" Pam asked as she put the drink back in the refrigerator. "For real?"

"CHERYL IF YOU DON'T SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH…" Lana was heard shouting. "I WILL SLAP YOUR LYING DAMN FACE OFF! LITTERALLY! DON'T THINK I WON'T DO IT!"

"About as well as you can expect," Ray sighed. He then gave Pam a look. "How are **you** holding up?"

"Oh I'm just fine and freaking **peachy** ," Pam growled as she slammed the refrigerator door. "One of my best friends is in a coma after ratting out one of my other best friends to the cops. With help from I guess the head of my best friends. But Cheryl is so whacked out I don't even know if she understands her motivations."

"And you don't get Archer's," Ray sighed.

"God damn that asshole," Pam began to cry. "It's bad enough how he treated Lana. That was all kinds of shitty in itself but…Why the hell didn't he let the **robot** get shot first? Seriously? I don't get that!"

"You know Archer," Ray said. "Making long term plans is not exactly his forte."

"No shit," Pam started to sob. "What if he dies Ray?"

"Pam the man was shot and drowned and he **still** survived," Ray told her as he hugged her. "If he was going to die he would have been dead by now. Not in a coma."

"What if he doesn't wake up?" Pam asked in a soft voice. "I am so angry at that dumb ass."

"You're not the only one," Ray grumbled. "Get in line with the rest of us."

Pam looked at Ray. Ray sighed. "Don't get me wrong, Archer has been an asshole to me since day one but…He actually grew on me. Like a fungus or a mold spore. I dunno. I guess when you've been through as much shit as we have together after all these years…"

"I guess it is hard to hate someone once you slept naked together on the Peak of Death," Pam quipped.

"I was only the DMZ between him and Lana!" Ray snapped. "Probably the only time in my life I was trying **not** to touch another man's balls!"

"Are you seriously telling me that given the chance you wouldn't bone Archer?"

"Only if I was seriously plastered," Ray gave her a look. "And I thought he was someone else. I know. I'm usually attracted to assholes but in Archer's case…"

"Well he wasn't half bad in the sack," Pam shrugged. "But if I gotta be honest Cyril's better. At least he puts in some effort and takes direction well."

"That's good to know," Ray smirked as she pulled away.

"Like you didn't have a clue already?" Pam snickered. Her face got serious. "It's been over a week Ray. What's going to happen to us?"

"Same thing that always happens when Archer takes off or goes missing," Ray said as he put his arm around Pam. "Life goes on."

"Well I know one life that **shouldn't** go on," Pam growled. "Veronica God Damn Deane's! Oh and add Alan Asshole Shapiro's!"

"I think Ms. Archer is planning a revenge rampage or something," Ray said. "Once she gets her head out of the absinthe."

"God I've never seen Ms. Archer in such a mess," Pam groaned. "Even when she put a burn notice on Archer…"

"Oh yeah," Ray remembered. "I almost forgot about that day."

"Well you, Cheryl and Ms. Archer got so shitfaced…" Pam laughed. "God I don't know what I'd do if Archer…"

"Again this is **Archer** ," Ray said. "I have a feeling he will pull through. Again, **anyone** **else** would be **dead** by now…So the odds of him surviving a coma are…"

"Fifty-Fifty?" Pam gave him a look. "But even I gotta admit anyone else it would be a lot less."

"How do you think Cheryl is handling this?" Ray realized.

"Other than the fact she wants to throw acid in Veronica Deane's face?" Pam asked. "I don't think it's really affected her yet. She keeps saying that the coma is a plot device used to keep the show going. To take it to new and interesting levels."

"I withdraw the question," Ray groaned.

"Yeah I can't really talk to her about this," Pam groaned. "I swear to god I mentioned Archer being in a coma and she said…And I quote… _Oh is_ _ **that**_ _still going on?"_

"She's even more self-centered and clueless than Archer," Ray groaned. "And that is a high bar to pass."

"It's just hard to find someone to talk to about this," Pam said. "Cheryl is clueless and crazy. Cyril is barely hiding the fact that he's thrilled to death Archer is so close to death. Krieger is just waiting for an opportunity to turn Archer into a cyborg. Ms. Archer is swinging between homicidal rage and alcoholic depression like King Kong's sister on the rag. And Lana…I don't know."

"You might find it's good for both of you to talk about this to each other," Ray pointed out. "Lana is going to need all the help she can get. And so do you."

"That's some good advice Ray," Pam said.

"That's my job around here," Ray groaned. "To be the sane one."

"If **you're** the **sane one** then we are in **real trouble** ," Pam quipped.

"I feel like I'm the designated Agony Aunt around here," Ray groaned. "Damn it. I **knew** this would end up in a huge mess with Lana crying her eyes out. And I'd have to be the one to keep everything together cleaning up my share of Archer's mess! I just didn't know it would end up this **bad**."

"I feel like…" Pam let out a breath. "Archer and Lana had a good thing going. Then Archer just had to piss it all away chasing after Veronica Deane with his dick. Not that Lana was completely innocent. Playing games like that…"

"I warned them both but they never listen," Ray sighed. "But to be fair, it was Archer that started the whole mess first."

"You're not wrong," Pam sighed. "Damn it Archer. Why the hell does that asshole have to be such an idiot? Didn't he even think how…?"

"How **we'd** be affected?" Ray interrupted. "Of course not."

"Never does," Pam groaned.

"Never did," Ray groaned.

"Never will," Pam sighed. "God I miss that dumb ass!"

"He'll be back," Ray told her. "He always comes back. Like herpes. And then knowing him he'll think he's even more invincible than he was before. God he's going to be insufferable."

"Can't wait to see the look on Cyril's face when Archer recovers and walks back through the door," Pam grinned. "It's not wrong to hope is it?"

"Not in Archer's case," Ray said. "That bastard has had more familiarity with death than an undertaker's wife."

"So we just hope the idiot makes it," Pam sniffed. "Then I am personally going kick his ass for putting us through this."

"Oooh! Can I watch?" Ray grinned.

"Hell I'd let Cyril print up tickets for it," Pam snorted.

"That would be one way to make money around here," Ray admitted.


End file.
